A few days ago I came across some old journal entries I had from my mid-late 20ies. I could not help but to laugh at myself . I mean, I was really into my feelings for this dude…. I was literally crying my heart out on a piece of paper for a guy who treated me like a piece of shit. (Well so I thought at the time. )
It’s funny ,ladies , how we get together and share our stories about our failed attempts at relationships. We talk about the “he ain’t this!” , “he ain’t that!”, ” I can’t believe he did this!” , “how could he…? ” All the woe is me jargon . But I wonder how many of us actually have a REAL conversation within ourselves. Trust me I have done the same thing too. It was not that long ago that I was sipping on that same salty ass tea too.
Being a single mother in my 30’s while dating has had its challenges. My stories are no different from the next woman. I can honestly say though, that with each situation I have learned something new about myself as well the opposite sex. From these experiences I have picked up some valuable tools in which I am currently implementing into my life so that I can build personally. This transformation has aided in my approach on dating as well as changed my perspective. I realize dating can be much easier on our end , if we do our part by applying these five principles.
- STOP RUNNING RED LIGHTS
Now ladies, you know we run that red light allll the damn time. We are always trying to catch up with MR P. (potential lol) Its the number one cause of DATING CANCER. Some men are not always honest about themselves (at least upfront ) let alone who thy are, (married) but the signs are always there. Women choose to ignore the signals for various reasons. A guy may not always , but generally knows what he wants and because he gives us a piece of his time we take that as “oh he wants more”. We constantly misconstrue the words versus the action. And there are those moments where we can just read too much into things.What I have learned from my personal experience and my male friends is that a man values his money and time. I’m not soo big on money , but if a man is not investing time, (other than chilling) he is not there for anything more. But of course you already knew this.
There are multiple red flags but all lead to:
Major 🔑: CONSISTENCY
I’m trying to understand what’s the point in driving ourselves crazy when it should be simple . We all know what it feels like to be wanted because 10 times out of 10 we have friend zoned or slept on the “nice guy”. So if he is not making you apart of that regimen you need to proceed with caution (yellow light) or just stop. I get there are layers to each situation but at this point , our Intuition has already kicked in. Unfortunately, the very thing we are blessed with , we don’t utilize it for our own good. Here is where we mess up, because we begin to question ourselves.
2. TRUST YOURSELF
Now this guy shows you who he is, and then have the nerve to want Clarity. Duh! It has already smacked you in the middle of your forehead. Because we don’t trust our selves , wen start asking our friends, co-workers , best guy friends, shit even SIRI for the answer . The craziest thing in this process of seeking validation is that deep down we already know the answers to our own uncertainties. We know what it is or what it was. Just not confident enough accept it . We know in our soul that he is not the guy for us. So why settle? Why accept ? Why not listen to yourself and make the proper adjustments. We have to get to a place of consciousness ; what’s for you and what’s NOT for you. I promised myself I would no longer subscribe to others relationship issues ,nor will I share mine. We all need to trust our selves more. Plus, yo girl gonna do what she wanna do anyway. Emotions will have an expiration date so I will leave it to that person to deal with their problems until then. Trusting yourself goes deeper than just knowing if he is the one. A woman needs to have self awareness and be cognitive of what she is putting out in the universe. Are you a real representation of YOU?
3.VALUE YOUR YOU
So we meet a guy , go over the list …”what I ain’t gonna do” ,and then do them all plus some. I mean damn ,why he gotta be charming , bearded, with a nice smile and eggplant? 😳 This guy comes in , sweeps you off your feet , we let our guard down , and then BOOM! He starts checking off our list. Ain’t that some shiiiii……. We all have fallen victim to breaking our own rules. Now feelings are surfacing . Let the games begin. There is no need to explain , because we all know how the game is played . Most likely , the man wins with logic while we are the emotional sore losers. We lose because we did not come to play the game in first place. If you are a woman who values intimacy and wants it to be ONLY while in a committed relationship then do that . Sex is emotional and soul tying .It’s not realistic for most of us to separate the two. So why compromise the feeling? We compromise because we fear that the guy will lose interest, which leads back to trusting yourself. (Trust I know this all too well. ) If you are not a woman who enjoys random sex then remain in your truth. Quit having expectations to a situation that’s not your reality. Even a woman who enjoys random sex would take real love any day over meaningless encounters. Both types of women have been broken at some point thus: lacking self confidence and love. We give men soo much of our power when we devalue ourselves. This behavior causes us to shift.
4. CHANGE FOR THE GOOD!
Often we try to fit into a mans world or be who WE think they want us to be. This is where low self esteem and the feeling of rejection hits home. We should not want to be with a man who can not accept us for who we are and where we are in life. And this goes for us as well. We CAN NOT change a man. If they liked us to begin with , they don’t want us to change either. It takes too much energy trying to be something you are not in society, so why in the hell would you feel the need to do it with someone who you love. There is a fine line with genuinely catering to his/her wants and going all out by doing shit just because you think it will make them “want you more”. Ladies we alter our looks , Interests, careers, and personalities just to gain acceptance. Instead of altering yourself for him, try doing it for yourself. If we want a situation to change, Change has to start with you first . If there are still issues communicate your concerns if he is still around and worth it.
5. WE DONT ADULT
When I refer to adulting I mean effectively communicate how we are feeling. I am by far guilty of this. I have been known as queen of “in my feelings “(shutting down and texting you a Novel later) . I believe this to be big in some of my dating failures. This is tens again from fear and not trusting that our feelings are valid. These two elements alone cause destruction and irrational behavior . Men ,for the most part , don’t like conflict and at times can be horrible communicators as well. This can go back into “let’s play games”mode if not handled properly. We have to start tackling the issues head on in a “non combative manner” . Choosing out words wisely and in a timely manner. First we have to ask ourselves :
A) Is this person worth the energy?
B) Do I really like this person or do I just want to win? (The game playing) a friend brought this question as we were having a discussion and I thought it to be soo real and thought provoking . There have been men in my life that I really just to conquer. (Kanye shrug)
C) But did I die? (Kidding, not kidding). We waste soo much energy on guys who are not even worth it or on issues that are soo miniscule. We may not see in that way when are in the current situation but try talking to your homegirl about her problems. You know you have rolled your eyes and was like it’s not that serious. So you know men are doing us the same way. I truly did not get this concept until I started talking to my guy friends and then hearing some of my friends issues. It made it much clearer to see where women become annoying. Perhaps, there are other questions but most importantly , are we being realistic with ourselves. Once we know our truth we can be more effective in communicating how we feel . We can start being more direct upfront without being overbearing . As a key component to any relationship , healthy communication is possible if done with good intentions . This only works if both parties are making an effort. Remember words have the capacity to injure someone. Your communicating skills is ultimately reflection of you . I’m currently working on this myself and taking the time to do so.
Ladies take a damn break. So many of us jump into relationship after relationship and it all leads down the same yellow brick road. How do you expect to heal from the last relationship if you are not cleaning and caring for your previous wounds? Oh ok yeah so you just keep putting water over that infected area huh? So often we lose out on potentially good men because of the ” you not gonna do me like the last “. Well, he is not your last. Had you given your heart and head a good spring cleaning , you would have possibly had a different outcome. Some women get so lost into their last mate that they lose a great deal of themselves. I can not stress enough the importance of getting to know your self and spending quality time by yourself. You have to complete yourself and not rely on a man. (besides the Higher power) Take this time to reflect, start a hobby , travel, or start a blog. 😉
We have to change our mindset on love , to change the outcome. We have to stop pointing the finger at men and pay attention to the the 3 pointing back at us. Though we may not be the ones cheating and leading the other on, we do play a major role in the outcome. We give the consent on how a man treats us so we can’t devalue ourselves, altar ourselves, act out irrationally , all while having unrealistic expectations . Next time your get ready to play the blame game , stop and take the time to do SELF INVENTORY.
I’m no Iyannla , (I’m still single)… But I refuse to give up on love , instead i choose to “fix” my own life …..so that Love chooses me.
Be beautiful ladies! 😘